Dear Redner Group:
I am writing to say that I frankly find it abhorrent that you are trying to bully game journalists into giving Duke Nukem Forever good reviews. Personally, I find it offensive, and I want to fight you. Name the place and the time, any weapons you choose. AK47s, bronze swords, rocket launchers, lasers, or even just our fists. As to the last, if you want to fight like a man, pollo to mano, we can do that, but I would prefer not to because I'll get hit in the face or kicked in the balls, and I don't like that.
I feel like you are trying to take my livelihood from me. I worked hard to get where I am. I am practically a demi-god among mere mortals. I feel that you OWE me early access to all of your games. From the very early age of 2 years old I have been steadily working towards being a game journalist by not doing anything special. I got my job by applying to IGN. A lot of people say I got my job with IGN because I'm so handsome and popular with the ladies, and some guys. I say they're probably right, but that doesn't mean I'm not a good writer too. For instance, when they asked for my resume, I sent a page of white paper simply with the words "Hire me bitches!!! Woo Hoo! Yeah!!". They said that I was just the sort of unintelligent dumbass jock that they wanted representing them in podcasts, videos, and text reviews.
How dare you threaten to not give me free games! Who do you think you are? I'm not "little people". Like when I went to E3, they made all the "little people" get out of my way. I mean, some of those people were just fans or they just worked at Gamestop. I had to a job to do and I did it. I play videogames for a living like a loser but I have fun doing it. Yeah, I went to a lot of parties and I played a little by writing actual articles for people that still know how to read, but that's not the real me.
My opinions make or break a game. Metacritic is a god and I am the only son of that god. I don't throw lightning bolts or turn people into spiders, though I could if I wanted to. Instead I let my finger control your destiny. I make your games succeed. They wouldn't even sell unless I gave them the thumbs up. I give my honest opinion because you give me games for free. If you do not give me free games I will still have power over you, even though it might only be 2 years after the initial game release when it goes down to $19.99 or less. Or especially when they get placed in the Toys R' Us discount bin! But I'll still have power. I do not need YOU. YOU need ME! I'm not bitching. I'm not whining.
In conclusion, I would still like to receive free games because if you didn't give them to me, I'd have to get a real job. I did buy one game back in 2002 and it was really hard to save up the money for it. It was the Dark Angel game based on James Cameron's TV show. Fuck, Jessica Alba was hot even with bad graphics! Did you like Avatar? But anyway, I do not want to buy games! Can we at least agree on that. If I don't get free games and early access I might drive to San Francisco and jump off that bridge. I have to feel special. So quit with the bullying tactics. Can't we just be like we were before? Like, you would give me early access and free games? Please don't let it end this way. I think we could have a bright future together if I could just partially speak my honest opinions about videogames, with anything you want excised taken out of course. Please say we can be friends again and that we can sleep together and you can call me "lovey bear" and I'd call you "video daddy" again.
Signed,
The Game "Journalists" of America
PS. If you're not going to send me free games, can you please hit the donation button on my blog at least.
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