Total Recall (2012) Movie Review

Total Recall (2012)

Director:  Len Wiseman
Screenplay: Kurt Wimmer and Mark Bomback
Music: Harry Gregson-Williams
Starring: Colin Farrell, Jessica Biel, Kate Beckinsale

In 2084, Earth is a wasteland due to extensive chemical warfare. Only two regions are habitable: the UK and Australia. The UK is now called The United Federation of Britain (UFB) and Australia is named "The Colony". The two regions are connected by a tunnel carved thru the center of the Earth, which is traversed by a skyscraper sized high speed train. Now, you're probably thinking it might be too hot at the Earth's core for a metal tube and huge train. Nonsense! Doug Quaid (Colin Farrell) makes the journey from the Colony to the UFB every day to work on a "synthetic" assembly line. The synthetics are basically a droid police force. He has a lovely wife, Lori (Kate Beckinsale), who works for the city security forces, but Quaid just can't stop thinking that he has a higher purpose, that something is missing from his life. Maybe it's because of his shitty job or his shitty apartment. Maybe its Jessica Biel, who keeps showing up in his dreams in the middle of a gunfight. After he gets passed over for a promotion, Farrell decides to go to Rekall, a company that can implant memories into your brain. He feels like a failure, like things are never going to get better. Maybe Rekall can give him memories of a better life than he actually has.

As the Rekall people scan his mind in prep for an artificial memory of being a spy, they find out that Quaid really IS a spy. Just then, UFB security forces bust in the doors and shoot everybody except Quaid. Instead of going along with them quietly, he fights back and kills all of them! He's on the run for the rest of the movie, trying to figure out who he really is, why people are trying to kill him, and most importantly, who he can trust!

I should start this out by saying I liked the original 1990 Total Recall a lot (wow, has it really been 22 frickin years???) starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sharon Stone, and Michael Ironside. One of my favorite lines in that movie was the Ahnulds' "Get your az to Maws". "Consider it a divorce" was pretty good too. So I was pretty disappointed to find out, that except for a brief mention of it, Mars has zero to do with this remake. Right there, you take a big chunk out of the original material for this movie. I think therein lies its doom as well. Maybe this version is truer to the original Philip K. Dick short story, "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale", that both films were based on. I can't really speak to that since I haven't read it (I just downloaded it off Amazon for 99 cents!). So maybe the original story had nothing to do with Mars either. But Mars made Total Recall 1990 a lot more interesting than Total Recall 2012 .

I like Colin Farrell. I really do. But at least in my mind, he's missing the X-factor that is needed for a leading man. He can be the star of a film, but he can't be a "Star". I just can't connect with him for some reason. I feel as though I'm just watching someone act, instead of watching a character. Kate Beckinsale, the director's wife, TRIES to chew up the scenery with her "I'm evil" persona, but comes off as a moustache twirling villainess who ridiculously survives everything but the kitchen sink being thrown at her. Jessica Biel is a pretty head on a pretty body that looks like she fell from the sky of Blade Trinity (has she changed clothes at all from that movie?)

Something missing from the film that was omnipresent in the original was HUMOR. Actually, Ahnuld's very presence in ANY film almost automatically injects humor! His opening scenes in the original with Sharon Stone as he tries to do an awkward tender love scene are priceless ("Come on, u no I luv u babee"). There are a lot of good one-liners in that movie too, from ALL the characters. The remake is a bit washed out and dreary. I don't remember laughing at all.

As I watched this movie I couldn't help but think that Len Wiseman didn't know what kind of movie he wanted Total Recall to be. Parts of it looked like rainy, dilapidated Blade Runner, parts white glare Minority Report, parts beautiful clean white plastic I Robot, and parts CG infested prequel Star Wars. All coated with Michael Bay explosiongasms.

I guess its worth a rental when it comes to Redbox, or go see it at the theater if you want to see Farell get his ass kicked by a 70-year-old OR if you want to see Jessica Biel shoot out the tires of a magnetic futuristic car that has no tires.

And yes, if it is the basis of your going to see this or not, there is a 3 titted prostitute in this movie.

I'm going to watch the original Total Recall tonight. It's been years, if not decades, since I've watched it. I'll try to post a review of it tomorrow. I'm also going to read the original short story to settle this whole Mars thing.

Just a sidenote for videogame fans, Total Recall's music was composed by Harry Gregson-Williams, who has worked extensively on the Metal Gear Solid series.

Another sidenote: Total Recall's director, Len Wiseman, in addition to being married to Beckinsale, directed the first two Underworld movies.

My Grade: C-