Original Secret Nintendo Price Drop Memo

Thanks to secret sources at Nintendo, I was able to obtain a copy of the first draft of the price drop statement about the 3DS. I think this first draft was actually written by Reggie Fils-Amie, former Senior Director of Pizza Hut:

Overpriced, Lame Games

I guess I have to say something to the people dumb enough to buy a Nintendo 3DS at release so people that haven't bought one will make the wrong decision as well.

Nintendo of America, or ME, as I like to call it, is announcing that the Nintendo 3DS will drop in price to $248. This new price will take effect on Aug. 12 and what a bargain it is.

The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time 3D did pretty well for us. It even outsold Battle of Giants: Dinosaurs and Bust a Move Universe. We're not resting on our laurels. The upcoming game calendar for Nintendo 3DS is a Who's Who of iconic game franchises. Bigfoot arrives on August 16, followed by Brunswick Pro Bowling, and Balloon Pop 2. Other upcoming games that will capitalize on our manufactured excitement include Martha Stewart Jailbreak, Petz Late Night Fantasies, Toilet Mario, and Endangered Fishing Paradise 3D.

Don't forget about the useless features on your 3DS, including dated black and white games that nobody wants, watching Netflix on a very small screen, and viewing unfunny videos on the new Nintendo Video app. These awesome features make the 3DS a must-buy system for the ages.

But what about the 500 of you idiots that already own a Nintendo 3DS? Tough! Actually, we at ME wonder why you even bought it and I sometimes gather my associates and we just have a good laugh about it. But we don't want a blood libel on our hands or make it to where you might not buy any of our great systems. We are going to reward you for being a loyal little dog.  We are going to give you not ONE, not TWO, but TWO POINT FIVE games for FREE from the Nintendo bShop! Here's how we are going to attempt to placate you:

The 2.5 games are free to any moron that owns a 3DS and has enough money to have a wireless internet connection. Even if you're homeless you can just visit a McDonalds and use their signal. Of course, if you're not wearing a shirt and you smell bad, they might not let you use their connection. You must use the bShop at least once before 11:59 Inuit time before March 27. If you do you will automatically be registered in the Nintendo 3DS Imbecile program. This program contains two splendorous elements:

1. Starting on March 28, Nintendo 3DS Imbeciles will be able to download 10 Atari Virtual Console games for free and before nobody else will ever buy them. These games, including Outlaw, Combat, Circus, ET, and Journey: Escape are supposed to become paid games, but Imbeciles like you will get them for free. On top of that, once they do become paid games, you will be able to download them AGAIN! FOR FREE!

2. By the end of 2016, Nintendo will provide Imbeciles with 10 Game Gear Virtual Console Games. These will include games like Checkers, Backgammon, Pin the Tail on the Reggie, Marbles, Horseshoes, and All-Star Badminton. Even though nobody would want these games, there are no plans to inflict them on the general public.

More details will be forthcoming sometime in the future, maybe WAY in the future. If you are in a nursing home by the time we get these awesome free games to you, rest assured, we will make sure your great grandchildren reap the full benefits.

Owning a Nintendo 3DS could change your life!

--Reggie, I Run ME